Kelly's Thoughts

I am procrastinating, in case you're wondering. I have been given 900+ pages to read and I am snail slow at it. So I am going to check, my email, update my blogs, check in with my favorite newborn, view some pictures from my weekend get-a-way, buy tickets to the nearby water park, window shop on-line (cause I'm to broke to buy), leave encouraging notes for my mentees, read the news, search for stuff on ebay, drink tea, reorganize my office, ok...........................I guess I better get to studying. Boo!!! I can't wait for Sunday!

Lately I have found it a better pass time to stick my head in my Maternal, Newborn textbooks than to enjoy a good TV show or movie. This is sooo not like me but, I am sooooo engrossed in this fascinating section of my Nursing Student studies. Me, the person who would usually rather spend hours cleaning than read a text book, can't seem to take my focus during spare time away from my reading! :O ...... Ok, so don't panic! I am still the same person. ha ha ....It's just, I think I truly have found my passion. Why else would I devote so much time willingly to read anything unless I really loved it? But, to really be honest, you can catch me in the evening reading material for 2 main subjects right now. One is the above mentioned and I have found my one and only true "self help" book, the Bible. :D This discovery of enjoying the bible sprouted from this wonderful Mother's Wisdom bible study a friend from the nursing program brought together. I have found many answers to mothering challenges in this amazing book that i never would have thought it had. God is amazing and I am learning so much from his word. So there you have it. I actually enjoy reading. And what's even more exciting, is that I have questions about my career and life direction which I feel is leading me toward the Labor & Delivery/ Neonate specialty of nursing, and I open God's word and I am encouraged further! While I am never sure how my life story will play out, I am enjoying the reading along the way. :)

I sit here in my new office, waiting for my study group to get here to study for yet another test in the Nursing Program. I am surrounded by small tokens of memories in my life. A few things, like my gavel from Policy Council and the Coyote Ridge "Parents that make a Difference" pin I was awarded last year, that should help remind me that I once was a good mom but, I don't always feel that way. Since I started in the Nursing Program I have felt less to nothing of a mom to my three wonderful kids. I have spent many nights and trips to the school bathrooms, hospital stair cases, and any corner I could hide in, crying my eyes out over the loss of time spent with my kids that I experiencing. I feel a deep aching pain in my chest everytime I hear that something with my kids, important didn't get done; everytime I happen to come across a special events or field trip notice that I can't attend with them or that the date has already passed; everytime my kids ask me to volunteer in their classrooms and I have to tell them "I'm sorry, I can't." 
I had made a promise to myself that I would attend each of my kids' Kindergarten field trips and I failed to be able to go with Bella. My heart is dying inside. I miss my kids terribly! 
I can't even begin to explain how I feel other than, it's the worse feeling I think I have ever felt.

And then I have those people in my life who remind me when I am less than good enough. "Don't you know that you are kicking a person who is already down!"
So, for everyone who knows me, Please, I am begging you. If you don't understand, at least try to! Don't kick me when I'm down!
I am an open book to most everyone I know. So, when I say something, Believe me! Because, I lay it all out!
And if you don't believe me, then you really don't know me at all!
But, If you even care about me alittle, you'll try to understand.................. 

Have you ever boughten a puzzle and taken it home only to find that there are pieces missing? Then after this discovery you promptly return to the store and exchange the puzzle for a box with all of the pieces in the box. 

Our life is kinda like that box with the pieces missing. We were born into this world with a few puzzle pieces and as we grow we find pieces in our box that connect and the pictures in the puzzle start to take shape. But when we face challenges in our lives it's as though we have come to the moments where you dig through the box and you get frustrated because you can't find the right piece to fit. So, you either try to move on to a different part of the picture hoping you'll find the piece later or try to force a similar piece in it's place. Maybe you'll go to the store and buy the same puzzle to get the missing pieces.

So, where do find the missing pieces for your life puzzle?

A puzzle takes patience and careful thought.

It's seems for me that I am the person that has either tried to force similar pieces into the wrong spots or put those sections with missing pieces on hold thinking that I would find the pieces that fit or buy them later. But, in all truth the pieces are given to us from our father in heaven. All we have to do is ask. Now, he will give us the pieces sometimes one or maybe a few at a time. He does this so that we are not overwhelmed by the thousands of puzzle pieces that our live in-tell. And on the day the final piece is placed, we will return to him and be able to look at the complete puzzle and be proud of our hard work. It will all be worth it.

Some of us get frustrated and some of us have moments where we just want to give up on our puzzle and walk away. I seem to have done this often and I find myself working on my puzzle anyway, all alone, by choice. 

I don't want to work on my puzzle alone. I don't want to be the person who forces pieces into the wrong places anymore.

I want to ask God for the pieces from now on. 

I pray that when I look back at my life puzzle, the picture will look complete as in God's plan for me. 

I pray this for all of you. Don't try to force the similar pieces in or try to change the box, just look to your father for the pieces you're missing.


 

Tonight Blue Sky Savior Opened and so did my heart for forgiveness. The program was running well and the main actress, Courtney was doing truly amazing. We had both been prayed for by Tammy and I felt so excited. I found myself lead to pray during the whole salvation scene instead of just pantomiming. Then, I stumbled a bit with my lines and something great happened.  Instead of beating myself up over it like I have been for the past 9+ weeks, I feel ok with it. I was so filled with God's love that all I felt was blessed to be apart of this message. After the performance a young girl, who really relates to Courtney's character, came forward to accept Christ into her heart. Scott asked me to pray with her. I couldn't believe it. Here I am struggling so much but, yet I could somehow provide encouragement and prayer to this girl. As I was praying with her I felt the words I was speaking speak into my own life as well. I was praying with her to walk through life with Christ and how we are never alone but, I have spent so much of the past several weeks walking alone and holding God at a distance. It's been so hard for me. I was giving this girl hope with Christ and somehow, I ended up finding My Blue Sky Savior as well. He was there all along I just needed to draw near. All of the applause are echoed in heaven and the fact that one was saved is the greatest gratitude of all.

So here I am sitting in my mom's house with a FREE MOMENT to myself!! Yesterday I was absolutely a mess! I hadn't showered for 9 days straight do to the fact that I have no apartment to go to, our new house needs a new furnace& hasn't truely become ours yet, and my mom's house is utterly over packed with kids and sisters, that there is a waiting line for the bathroom. I have started complete, total care for one patient in clinical and my instructor has high demands for her students. I had spent the weekend playing catch-up on my studying/ prep for 3rd exam since most of the week was devoted to prepping for the total patient care experience. Early in the day yesterday I had received my clinical paperwork back with marks all over it for which I would have to re-due and return to my instructor. I had also struggled through exam 3 and found out that I got a 79% on the crazy hard thing! I should have been grateful to have at least passed it but, instead I beat myself up over it. I just bawled! As I walked in to my mother's house to grab a few things, my mom took one look at me and then ordered me to shower and take a nap.
It's amazing what a shower can do! I took the much needed shower and feel asleep for a much needed nap. After I had done as I was told I felt human again. 
I feel that there is a reason for everything and it's God's reason. My classmate and friend Luda has been so awesome and an amazing source of strength for me as she continually brings my focus back to God and his purpose for me. I have a hard time letting go of my burdens and it's the problem that continually struggle with. I don't trust myself to succeed. And for now, my life has been so challenging that I carry it all with out giving it to God. Today, yet again, I have the blessing in a friend that reminds me not to carry the burdens alone. 
I am going to work on accepting that I am trying my best and if it's God's will for me to become a Nurse than I will.

I thought I had spent many, Quailty, hours preparing for clinical this morning and I just wasn't prepared enough. It's so hard to remember everything that needs to be completed. I need to cut myself alittle slack and remind myself, "This is only the second week of clinical and I am a beginner!" I sapose it just matters that I try my best so, I am giving it my all. 
I will leave the rest up to God. 

I am just sitting here at my dining table studying and reading in my partially packed house. I can't help but be distracted by the noise of the consturction going on outside my window and the valentines for the kids' classes needing to be filled out, that lay on the floor. Kymberly just walked in and announced that her Mailbox project is due tomorrow! Oh Gosh! I haven't helped her at all with it. 
My grandma was taken to the emergancy on saturday night and we found out that her breast cancer had spread to her liver. With all that had gone on this weekend, I didn't find time to help Kymberly, pack more, and I wonder if I studyed enough.

So, I am sitting here taking a break from my studies and wondering what I should do next. It's not like I lack things on my to do list.

Tuesday I dropped to my knees in the sanctuary  and asked God for guidance, "Where do you want me God? I will go where you want me."
God never stops amazing me. :)

Yesterday morning as I was waiting with Kymberly to drop her off for school, one of the parents said to Kymberly, "Aren't you excited your mommy is going to school to be a nurse?" And Kymberly shook her head, "No, My mommy is never there anymore!"
I was right there holding back the pain that I felt in that moment.

Later that afternoon the nursing class have to draw numbers that would determine the order in which we got to choose the hospital clinical groups we would have for the rest of the semester. For me, this would determine whether I would be able to be "there" for my kids more or not. 
I picked my number and I ended up with the last number. I was last which meant that I would get whatever was left over. As everyone signed and I moved closer I got more weak inside. I tried to hold back the tears. My friend Luda was also in the back with me and she wanted to be in the same clinical with me and wanted the same time so she could be there for her daughter. After some of my fellow classmates came to the back of the line to tell us that most everything we wanted was gone, my eyes began to fill with tears. I left for the bathroom, after all, I was last in line so it didn't mater that I had left. I fell apart in the privacy of the bathroom. "I don't understand God."

After I had composed myself, I returned to find the line gone. The instructor that stood by the sign-up sheets called me over to sign. It was her group that was left for me. I was scared because all of the prior students had said that she was the toughest clinical instructor. But, what upset me more was the fact that I had to be on days for 3 weeks. I thought abut having to get my 3 tired kids up at 4:30 am so that I could start the morning routine of getting the kids ready and over to my sisters, then swapping cars with her, and then over to my mom's to swap my sister's car with her(my sister needs her car back). I thought of what Kymberly had said that morning. I began texting my mom and sister, Kimi like crazy.

Then Luda came up to me and said something that I will never forget. "You prayed before this, didn't you?" she said. "Yes", I nodded.
"I did too. Then this is what God wants for us." she said as she hugged me and began telling me all of the reasons why we would be ok.

My mom told me how proud she was and of all of the support I really had.

It all made me realize that I had been so upset for not having things go as I planned. But, what I really came to understand is that this is not my plan, It's God's Plan for me!
The more I thought about my situation, the more I realized that he had answered my prayer from tuesday.
With my schedule being in the morning for 3 weeks, I will beable to be ontime for Turning Point's Dance Camp and furthermore, I would be able to focus on that ministry fully during the whole time.
I can't say for now all of the reasons why this is a blessing for now but, one thing is for sure, I know this is his plan for me.

Current Mood: hopeful

So here is the case study:

Three weeks ago I found myself often stressed to the point that I swear the creases in the skin on my forehead were rapidly getting deeper. At times i cried so hard that I was afriad that severe dehydration might occur. The anxiety of it all over-took me. 
I am now fighting a disease that I believe, is chronic. I have no explanation other than the symptoms that keep re-occurring. 
The symptoms include: sitting in a stationary position for hours at a time, upon release, uncontrollable laughter at random periods of the day is exhibited. In some cases garbled statements are made with no real understanding of what is said, which is also observed. Finding it hard to control giggle reflex is a major problematic symptom.  

Since I was showing signs of these symptoms, I decided to check my medical dictionary for a disease describing what I have. There was nothing there. I checked the drug guide to see if there were any medications that would explain more.
There was nothing.

I am simply and some what uncontrollably chipper!
So as nurses we are taught to treat the symptoms but, in my case I am happy with my plight and don't think I should treat myself. But yet the treatment is to enjoy the gift God gives of laughter. If that is the treatment, I am happy to oblige.

The answer to what I have is simple. It is the knowledge of knowing and fully, in this moment, trusting my daily life to my Lord!

Thank you, Jesus!

Furthermore, the fact that my family and wonderful friends put up with me and this little chronic disease I have acquired, truly makes me feel blessed! :)

So, for now, I better focus on my school reading and studying so that I will do well, hopefully, without sudden occurrences of giggling. 

HA HA! HE HE!!! Uh, oh well!  
 

Today I had a talk with my father, a true conversation. I prayed for my friends and family members and shared everything about their lives and needs. I am sure that he knew what I was going to say but, he listened anyway. I opened my heart and highlighted those in need of the same comfort and assurance that I feel now. 
I prayed for strength, for endurance, for friendship, for love. I prayed for health and happiness and for fresh tears that fall just to let us know we feel. I prayed for estranged family and for those who walk along side God but don't turn their heads to see he's there. I prayed for discernment to know the right ways to be a good friend. I praised God for working in my life and having the patience to do so. 
I thanked my father in heaven for my husband, because through him God brought me back into a conversation.

Isn't it funny how there are those moments that we would re-live over and over if we could and then there are those moments that we wished we never had. And then there are thoses moments in our lives that we long to have happen and try to anticipate when they will take place in our lives. We hope and pray for the day to come when the moment will arrive, that we had fought for, prayed for, cried for, waited for, dreamed of. 
Today was a day for which God gave us one of those moments.

There are no words to express the moment in time that is still so fresh in my mind, or maybe there is....."blessed"! Last week at church I prayed with the elders and I felt a release of pain and baggage that left me feeling so loved and wrapped in security and comfort. 
Today I had the joy of seeing my husband experience the feeling for himself. Is was as if God was right there sitting next to all of us in church. I felt his presence as my husband raised his hands to the heavens. This man that relied on only himself for most of his life had surrendered his all to Jesus. I was so moved by it all. I feel so safe and sure of the future. I now have a closer understanding of what it is like to be "equally yoked". Is it possible to be more overjoyed?

Jesus, I can't promise that I will always feel so happy as I am in this moment but, I can promise that this is a moment in time that I will always remember with gratefulness. I will remember this moment as one that showed me that, while I can't always trust and depend on others or myself, I can always trust that I will find comfort and love in you. This upcoming year will be hard for me and those I love but, I have faith that you will not leave me, Lord. Thank you! I am blessed!

Two of my most favorite people announced their news of the pregnancy they had been waiting for. I am so excited for them! There are few moments in life that are the biggest ones to experience and having your first baby is one. I felt so blessed to share in a part of their joy. I have faith that the new mother-to-be and one of my closest friends, Tammy, will be a wonderful mother. 
This is truly a moment in time for them to always remember and cherish. Congratulations! I am so excited for you, Tammy!

I didn't cry over turning 30. I thought that I would. I cried for the pain I felt for my family. I cried for the hurts that I can't help heal for my sister. I cried for the anger that has consumed her over the years and how she couldn't find peace. I cried for being misunderstood.
I just cried......
I wanted the pain to go away but yet I couldn't seem to find my way back to the faith and trust I had once had that this would pass, that God would take it away. I took it all on myself  and I let all of the stress, hurt, worries, and uncertainty of alot of things in my life surround me. I just didn't hold on to that faith that I am not alone.
I had a wonderful birthday with my mom, Kimi, and my brother Doug on friday and a wonderful time with my friends from church who have become a big part of my life. I have no need for these feelings that are not of God in me. I was surrounded by people who were celebrating me. These people, I believe, have faith in me. And two of my friends help me regularly to remember that I am still being refined and not with out help from our Lord. I needed to let go of it all. Why did I struggle so hard to remain on my own again, when all I needed was to give it all to God?.....
I prayed with some of the elders of our church today and during the prayer I lifted my hands to God. I felt free. In that moment it was as if I had been hugged and comforted as a little child is held after a hard fall. I felt the peace I had been needing for so long. I stood there as the words were spoken to God asking for me to open my heart and trust in him to get me through. I believe every word that was spoken and I felt peace. I was told to come up and pray more with the elders through out these up coming times in my life as I would need there spiritual strength and comfort. This is something I will do.
I feel safe and I have turned my life toward God as I once did before.

This feeling is amazing!

 

Today I joined that club. Ugh. Actually, technically, I believe I was born in the afternoon so.............., that means I'm still a twentysomething! Ha! Ha! 





Whatever. I'm 30........... 

I found myself thanking God today!
I know God understands me and my struggle. I know that my husband knows my struggle and tries to understand. 

I really tried to know my friends and I mean really know them and I had hoped for someone to really know me too. I gave up. I stoped trying to be that kindof friend so that I wouldn't be disappointed. 
I still seem to hold friends at a distance. I can't explain why.

I didn't know that there was someone else that knew me and my struggles, until today.

I found myself Thanking God today
because, I am at a loss as to where my self esteem is,
because, when I look in a mirror I see failures

but, today I looked in a mirror that gives me hope.

I thanked God for being such a wonderful friend to me and
more importantly
I thanked God for showing me the blessing I have 
in the friend that gave me the mirror.

I had tossed and turned all night anticipating the events that would take place in the day ahead. Got up early, got dressed in an outfit that I had picked out the night before, put on alittle light make-up, ate breakfast, brushed my teeth, grabed my things, and I was out the door by 6:30am. I was so excited that I had to be there on time. I was on my way to my Nursing Program Orientation. I got to school early and I sat down in one of the 63 chairs that filled the room. There I sat quietly taking it all in. "I am a nursing student. I can't believe it.", I told myself. Then, as the instructor started to speak, a good friend from Microbiology class a few years back walked it. I couldn't believe it. I had already concluded that I was blessed enough to just be in the program and now I was blessed with a good friend to ride the 2 year journey with me. During the next few hours as the instructors went over the orientation items, I grew more and more excited and anxious to hurry home and tell my husband about it all. I was so excited that I could barely sit still. And then.................................................................after break it changed.

The reality of it all started to hit me. The sacrifices I would have to make became real and the new role in life for me is something that I would have to embrace next month for 2 years. I would have to become a full time student. Just what does that mean? I seriously had no idea! I had taken classes but, never full time since highschool. As the Nursing students from the current first semester came in to talk with us, I tried to clear a spot in my head for the tips that they would have for me. I listened intently as one spoke after another. I listened as they all agreed that the program was a huge commitment and required alot of sacrifices to be made. I listened as one of them told how for the past semester she had to take a back seat to being a parent and housekeeper and cook; that she simple didn't have the time to keep up with it all. They all agreed that they spent 20-30 hours studying each week to complete the work. Then one of them said, "I had to think of "Me" and my sucess in this program." I sat there in my chair that I was so excited in and felt a sense of loss. I was about to loss my identity that I have know for the past 7 years and take on a new role. I couldn't have felt more lost and unsure of myself. I was scared!

The walk from the book store to the car was so long and I hadn't had the strength to carry almost $600 worth of books and materials the whole way so, I set them down for a break. Luckily there are still polite boys in this word and one just happened to stop by as I had set down my books. He helped me to my car and went about his business. I was no longer in a rush to race home as the excitement was now clouded by fear.

As I drove I went through my life's schedule and what things I would have to give up. I have no "me time" to give up. I have the ministries that I am a part of and time with my kids during the week. I have to sacrifice part of that time. 

I drove to my mom's and I felt for sure that I would find comfort there. I told my mom everything I was feeling and I cried. I have to become a full time student and I needed to allow someone else to take care of my kids. My biggest fear is failing as a mom. I don't know how to do both student and mom. I have been a stay at home mom for 7 years. I have been with my kids since their birth and now, I have no choice but to sacrifice my time with my children so that I can do well in this program. I know that my mom will be wonderful to them but, I can't be there for them as I have. 

I need my heavenly father. I need prayer.

What will my life schedule be? What will this new identity be like? I am trusting you, God with it all.  

What role will I play God?

It's something we need. It comes in many forms and we all need it differently. If we are denied it as a child, we won't know how to give it when we are older. If we are embraced with it as a child, we are hurt and disappointed when we don't get enough of it as an adult. We can give it to our kids or maybe some of us can't. We have friends that comfort us and then we have friends who don't. We need comfort when we hurt, are scared, or need to sleep. We need comfort when people disappoint us, when the world disappoints us, when someone takes a piece of our heart with them when they leave. We need to be comforted when we are to tired to comfort others. When we feel pain we need it. 
Comfort. It's something in high demand but, is running low on this earth to supply the demand.
 We have  comfort from our father. We just need to open our arms to receive it.

Last night I discovered that I am a bad friend................................